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Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Bewildered ~ The Monster Won’t Let Go (Part 5)

While this may be hard to read for some, it's cathartic in many ways for me having lived it. It is finally time to put it down in writing and share what I went through so many years ago. Thank you for reading and commenting. If you haven't read them already here is Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4.

Breaking up in a regular relationship is hard enough. Adding in the emotional rollercoaster of abuse into the equation and that makes it ten times as hard. As Paul Harvey was so fond of saying “and now the rest of the story.”

Ground rules were laid. I was moving out. I was done. I started packing. He needed to get help which he agreed to do. He agreed he had anger management issues. He was to sleep on the couch until our lease was up. He cried, I cried. He treated me like a princess, the way I’d always wanted to have been treated for the last few months we lived together. I didn’t see the monster again in my lifetime. However, I had seen it enough for it to haunt my nightmares for many years to come.

My sister was coming to college so I found a duplex and we moved into it. I breathed a sigh of relief every day coming home. I didn’t have to worry what mood he would be in. We still talked. He wanted to keep dating. I needed the space. He couldn’t let go. We all have weak moments and I’m certainly no saint. Remember I had loved this man once. You never quite stop loving people even though feelings may evolve and change.

It wasn’t long before I realized that even though the monster hadn’t appeared, his manipulative streak was still very strong. He didn’t like me being on my own. I’d come home and find things moved in my room. Notes left that sometimes were funny and sweet or scary and threatening. The threatening notes would chill me to the bone knowing that even though I was on my own, I had no true privacy as long as he could get in. Our sliding glass doors were backwards and despite our pleas to the landlord to install deterrents, he always managed to find his way in. Even to the point of showing up in the middle of the night uninvited. So he continued to terrorize in a variety of ways without the monster having to reappear.

So why didn’t I simply call the cops and report him? I really didn’t realize I could do that and actually make it all stop. I was scared of what he’d do if he was arrested. How angry that would make him. I knew the monster would not stop until I was dead for that type of infraction. I was also so afraid of my family finding out. I still wanted to be an adult and ‘handle it.’ I was going to college, supposed to be finding my way as a big girl. I shouldn’t have to go crying to Mom and Dad to fix things.

Take it from me, there are some things you should never try to fix yourself. This is one of those situations. I wasn’t truly free of him until he graduated and moved to another town. Even then he still tried to contact me from time to time. When he graduated, I made it crystal clear that he needed to move on and find someone else. Someone that suited him better and would make him the perfect girlfriend. I had learned at this point how to play the part of most of it being my faults that caused the issues. However, this was one time I gladly took the blame because I knew it made him able to cut the ties easier. Otherwise, I was never going to be free of him.

Awareness begins by realizing the situation you are in resembles what I and countless others have been through. Each situation is different, yet eerily the same in almost all cases. So first, don’t get into the situation. Back away slowly, then run as fast as you can away. If you realize once in the situation, it’s like this then get out as fast as you can. I know it’s not that easy, really I do. Too many people don’t leave until it’s too late and then there is no life to live because they are dead. Lastly, once you leave and get out and are on your own, it takes time to heal. Everyone does this at their own pace and in their own way. It’s taken me over twenty years before I could even write this all down.

The last blog I will write about my own story will cover my journey to healing. I hope this has helped someone out there and will continue to help. I feel certain that I will also be writing the stories of many other courageous people, as they feel comfortable with sharing their experience with me to put on virtual paper.

Kathie Hitt

This blog series is from my personal experience recounting my side of an abusive situation. It is my hope that it will raise awareness and educate others about what this side of the relationship looks and feels like. It is a situation that I never thought I’d be in as a smart girl turning into a woman. I was salutatorian of my high school class. This type of thing can happen to anyone. It can blindside you and make you feel like you are literally nothing. Some people never recover fully from the events. I was lucky and can share my story in the hope that it will help others.