I was in
denial for a while after all this happened. I felt like everything was fine. He
was gone and out of my life. I had no reason to be depressed or upset or angry.
However, I had every right to be all those things and more. My self esteem was
damaged and I had no earthly clue that I was in the most vulnerable state I’d
ever been in. Even more vulnerable than the night he busted my lip and
blackened my eye.
All the
external bruises had been healed for ages. The body is miraculous in the
ability it has to heal physical injuries. The bruises on my heart …. well,
those took years to fade and heal. The scars in my mind that were left will
never heal, they remain as a roadmap of who I was and what I learned to become
who I am now.
I relived
the last night the monster appeared, over and over in my dreams. The nightmares
would come and I’d wake up stifling my screams. Covered in sweat, I’d come up
swinging and kicking to get him off and gasping for air. It would take me a few
minutes to realize it was just a dream and that I was in fact, safe and sound. I
just explained it off as nightmares to roommates who would come to check on me.
They had no idea the demons I faced when I closed my eyes.
I made
some really bad choices in guys to date. Why? Due to self esteem that I didn’t
even realize was low. I was trying to prove I was pretty and smart. I picked
the losers on purpose because deep down, I didn’t feel worthy. While none of
them hit me or dished out the emotional abuse, they were definitely not anyone
that I should have been dating. I let myself be used and cheated on because I
really didn’t care about me. I didn’t treat them the best either. I was pretty
harsh to a few of the guys I dated so I was definitely no prize to be around. I
had not healed enough to hold my head high as the wonderful inner goddess we
are all created to be.
It took me
years before I actually opened up to a wonderful guy, my husband. It took a
long time for me to feel like I actually deserved to be happy and that it was
ok to be happy. That it was normal to not be scared and constantly worried
about what mood you would come home to. That it wasn’t my fault. To learn to trust again.
It's hard to think
smart when your emotions are all twisted. I'm an overachiever so I felt like it
was me. There was something wrong with me and if I didn't stay "I"
was failing. It took me watching the dog get abused to open my eyes to it not
being "Me" that had the problem. Then it still took him almost
killing me to make me leave. I'm so glad I didn't have kids at that age. That
has to make it even harder to just up and leave.
I also realize many
people who are in these type of situations are dealing with way worse than what
I did. I really had it easy compared to many stories I’ve heard. I could have
been pregnant or been dealing with drugs. Not that alcohol didn’t play it’s
part.
As the years went by
and I learned more, grew wiser, I realized that these people are master manipulators. They have you right where they
want you and sometimes it's subtle. So subtle you are there and don't realize
how you got trapped there in that spot. Often you are so isolated and feel
you've burned all your bridges that you have nowhere to turn. You almost have
to rebuild in your mind prior to getting out of the situation before you can
truly rebuild. You have to plan and that is very hard with the abuser breathing
down your neck. If they sense even the slightest change, you are a goner in
some cases.
Do I hate
him? Amazingly enough I never hated him. I felt sorry for him once I was able to
take several steps back and really ‘see’ the situation. Many things became
clear. That he’d more than likely watched his Dad abuse his Mom. His Dad was an
alcoholic which research proves does a lot of damage to families. In almost
every case that his anger got the best of him, alcohol was involved. Am I
excusing him? No. I am forgiving him. Don’t forget he was young as well. He was
angry. He was doing what he knew. He was mad and frustrated a lot of the time
and had no real way to defuse it. We were both naïve, young and stupid.
I’m a much
better, stronger and compassionate person for having gone through this
experience. It’s taken me a long time to be able to share it. Everyone deals
with things differently. I probably should have gone to counseling but I wasn’t
even aware that existed. There are many programs now that exist to help in
situations such as this. I wish with all my heart they didn’t need to exist.
My story
is complete. I found a wonderful man, have had two beautiful children and my
life is good. It’s not perfect, not the fairy tale ending, but it’s good. There is light at the end of the
tunnel. You can leave and make a better life for yourself and any children you
may have. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes healing and accepting that
it was not completely your fault. You are a wonderful human being that didn’t
deserve what happened. You have two choices. You can choose negativity and
bitterness. Or you can choose the path I did. Forgiveness, love, laughter and
life.
If you are
reading my story and need someone to simply listen, I can do that. I
understand. I can cry with you if you need it. I feel very lucky and blessed to
be able to write this story. My prayer and wish for you is that you are able to
get to the same place I am in if you have been affected by this or have family
members who were not as fortunate as me. While anger and bitterness is
justified, it’s simply not worth it in the scheme of things. However, like
grief, a process of healing involves dealing with all the emotions on the rollercoaster
you go through after something like this. Don’t keep it all in, find someone to
talk to and get help. Give yourself permission to feel how you feel and
actually heal. You are worthy! You deserve to have a wonderful life!
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